Always in life there is are imaginary lines that are there in everything we do. The lines has numerous of functions, some are warnings but sometimes they can encourage development. So which line am I standing in front of today?
Yesterday evening was a fine example of the AP dominating the conversation all evening with endless stories of the past. the LSO and I have heard them many times and tend to turn off to them. Each time they get a bit more muddled and embellished becoming a stream of endless drivel. The AP managed to have an inevitable dig at me but only succeeded in making herself look silly and causing me to mentally back off even further.
At the moment she is pretending to our visitor that she can see but because I attend all her sight tests I know exactly what the AP can and cannot see. I had to finally leave the room especially when a comment was made about wonderful teachers who make a difference to their students. She then went into a long diatribe about a teacher ninety years ago who apparently also taught my cousin and remembered my mother as this hugely clever girl. I suppose we all feel the need to blow our own trumpets occasionally. The AP seems to have chosen to forget that I had been a teacher for thirty five years and I was good at my job. It’s difficult to know whether she means to demean me or is just becoming plain daft. I would prefer to think the latter but sadly when I hear her conversing with people I realise that she still possesses some native cunning that manifests itself in a sly nastiness. It is hard to understand my mother’s desire for superiority, why is it that she cannot accept her own short comings? Why can she not appreciate what she has instead of making our lives a misery?
I guess the line I am crossing at the moment is one of disinterest and detachment and sadly I am heading towards thoroughly disliking the AP. I am finding it hugely difficult to make an effort with her and am instead retreating into my shell which I know is not the right solution to the problem. I can but hope that crossing this particular line will help me to survive, I feel I am drowning in a never-ending sea of greyness. I am mentally struggling to find a positive approach when every bit of my being is crying out for a release from this state of imprisonment.
I am told there is a light at the end of the tunnel but at the moment it feels like it is the train coming towards me and if it isn’t that, it is a very, very long tunnel.
It is an interesting fact that it just takes a small gesture to alter your perspective on life. I was feeling particularly down about everything yesterday when a good friend rang with a suggestion. Nothing drastic just ‘had I tried the 5:2 diet’? Indeed I had and yes, it worked while I kept to it but unfortunately I found 500 calories on fast days an absolute no-no for me. Well it turns out that the author has changed it to 800 calories a day and that sounds very doable. Because I am unlikely to be going anywhere near a bookseller my lovely friend is sending me a copy of the book.
This one gesture made me feel one hundred percent better about life in general and a great deal more positive too. Then the LSO went to buy compost and bought me some gorgeous amethyst coloured tulips. It may be cold and grey today but instead I do feel a hint of Spring may be in the air. A good frame of mind does make a difference when coping with the AP who muddles her way along causing chaos in her wake. It helps to bolsters me against the AP’s inevitable mood swings that can go from amenable one minute to a streak of vinegar the next.
She is being surprisingly reasonable at the moment and the only thing I can put it down to are the sheets left on the printer listing care homes in the area. Looking through things that are nothing to do with you is a dangerous occupation and with results very similar to the old adage of ‘eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves’.
It makes a change to write in a more constructive way rather than having a carp although I do try to be as pragmatic as possible. Still, long may the present situation last although as I have said before, I won’t be holding my breath.
I woke up this rather grey Sunday morning feeling pretty positive about life in general for a change. I got up, washed, dressed and came down to prepare breakfast. Our nephew is staying and for him it was bacon, egg, and fried bread. For the AP it was cereal, fruit, yogurt and a sprinkling of flaxseed. The LSO had already sorted his own breakfast earlier. For me it was grilled tomatoes on toast and they were delicious, straight out of the greenhouse. All in all a good beginning to the day then the AP started a conversation with her grandson and I felt an immediate sense of irritation wash over me as she bluffed her way to stardom making appropriate noises but having really no idea about anything. Why this feeling? It isn’t rational and is making me feel very unhappy. I need to have some empathy for the AP otherwise I am allowing her lack of it to affect my attitude to her.
So how do I turn all this around. I decided to refresh my memory about the Law of Resistance and it definitely rang some bells of recognition. I am becoming a victim, there is a definite sense of ‘poor me’ creeping in to my thoughts which I really must resist. I was reading that there is a Buddhist saying that says if we point a finger at someone there will be three pointing back at us. Interesting thought and it made me stop and think.
Our health is our karma, in which case I am affecting my own health and vitality with these feelings. Time to change, time to not resist the negatives but to embrace the positives. I feel like I am jumping into a void but I must find the person I was before the AP came to live with us. We, the LSO and I, need to discuss how we change things for the better for all of us. Not necessarily huge changes because I do believe that it is the small things that count.
Do we really reap what we sow? I guess so but if we study the Law of Grace everything can be put right but we have to make the necessary effort to do so.
Seventeen days to go to some clear thinking, to freedom, to spontaneity and to having some personal space back even if it is just for a little while.