tranquility – Shrinking Horizons

Reflections.

Not reflections in a mirror, more about taking a step back and reflecting on the progress I have made in the last five months. This is not just about weight loss which has been slow but steady but it is also looking at the place I find myself in now.

My studio has been de-spidered by the LSO and is ready for action and after much thought I have decided to approach the whole experience as an extension of this new place I have reached. I will go with the flow.

I have lost 33lbs to date and a further 25 lbs will put me in a truly healthier zone but it is what I have realised about myself that is most surprising. I have yo-yo dieted for years, lost weight, gained weight, wallowed in self pity as the pounds plus rolled back on but never achieved how I feel now. I am actually at peace with the need to lose weight, less frantic and definitely more in control and more accepting that it will happen but not in the short term. It will take time and during that time I will enjoy life, inevitably taking the occasional step backwards but I now understand it’s all part of the journey.

I have positioned the easel, put a fresh canvas on it and am ready to paint but what? After much deliberation I decided to look through the photographs of skies that the LSO has taken. There are hundreds of them so I was definitely spoilt for choice but I found a sunset in soft purples, pinks and gold which resonated with the way I feel at the moment.

Can this new sense of emotional freedom last?

We have an outdoor visit on Friday to see the AP.

Will I remain calm cool and zen-like?

I’ll let you know.

Turning the sound down.

During a video conversation with our family at the weekend we inevitably got around to how we were all coping with the current situation. For us it is an unwanted extension of the lifestyle we had to adopt looking after the AP and just as we had finally discovered some freedom. Our daughter was interesting about the effect the lockdown was having on her and the family. The grandchildren and the dog are fine, in fact Fizz has never been a more contented Jack Russell, loving having everyone there. Son-in-law would prefer to be at work and daughter says although she wants to get on with life again she is enjoying some aspects of it all, life is simpler despite having to home school the children but more importantly she says the white noise has gone.

Our son too has found much that is beneficial about working from home despite having a one year old child. He and his wife have found it extremely difficult at times but both say they would prefer to work more this way rather than return full time to the city.

Food for thought and interesting observations that I am sure will be affecting many others in this world. But she is right, the constant buzz that is the lot of a working mother is absolutely mind boggling from the moment the alarm goes off in the morning to falling, exhausted into bed at the end of a long and busy day. White noise is an excellent description for it all.

When the children were younger and I too was a working mum, there was little time left to ponder and the pace was relentless. My only saving grace was being a teacher so I had the same holidays but for the LSO there was never that privilege. In fact holidays were a time when he would try to wind down during the first week then start to wind up again in the second, preparing to hurl himself back into the fray. I just felt I was constantly juggling a multitude of balls at any one time trying to catch the important ones and ignoring those that fell to the ground.

We have never had to live with anything like this before so maybe after all this is over or more settled there can be changes for the better to the way we all live our lives. It certainly would be good to have a choice.

For us, we have just got slower, in fact any slower and we would be in reverse and horizontal. It’s not unpleasant in truth but at our age we need a bit of white noise in our lives to keep us alive. I find myself definitely suffering from that good old manana syndrome, oh tomorrow will be fine, I’ll do whatever it is then!

It was inevitable.

Indeed it was inevitable. My visit to the Diabetic Nurse this week revealed what I had already guessed; I am back to having Type 2 Diabetes although not as high a blood glucose count as last time.

A mixed blessing in some ways as it makes it even more important that I lose the excess weight again and the fear of the consequences that can occur because of it certainly focusses the mind.

Last time the LCHF diet worked well for me in the beginning but as I have said before, no diets are sustainable in the long term. No matter how often you say to yourself that you don’t miss the things you can’t have the inevitable happens and you do. So this time I will do some mixing and matching; a couple of months on this one then have a rest and continue dieting using the 800 5:2 diet. It’s not hugely different but allows a bit more flexibility.

I am trying not to be stressed as the years of being in a continual state of fight or flight mode because of the AP have taken a massive toll on my health never mind happiness. But I do feel much calmer as long as I don’t dwell too much on the past and the lost years. Visiting her still tends to be stressful but at least she is not living with us anymore.

An added bonus is that my love of cooking has returned and I am experimenting with a variety of vegetable, meat and fish dishes. The LSO is definitely still the long suffering one because to a greater extent he is having to eat the same meals as me but so far he seems to be enjoying them. So that’s a bonus.

I just need to get moving again once Storm Ciara passes and what a storm it is. I am writing this with the rain lashing the windows and the wind singing in the guttering and whistling in the chimney.

A New Year, a new beginning.

Not only a new year but the beginning of a new decade which just illustrates to me the speed at which time is passing by and I seem to have been standing still for years, still ageing but not going anywhere! New years are a time when we tend to take stock of everything about our lives both past and present and always with a sense of hope for the future. Isn’t that why we talk of making new year resolutions, ranging from small things such as clearing unworn clothes from drawers and wardrobes, donating them to various clothing banks, to giving up drinking, being more active and also losing weight. The latter is definitely a resolution I will be making especially after the indulgences of the Christmas period.

Christmas was a really lovely occasion this year with all our immediate family here. It was only marred slightly by one small occurrence which was the AP trying to persuade our son, daughter-in-law and small grandson to stay and have Christmas dinner with her in the care home, not once but three times. It was an attempt to get at the LSO and myself for not having her here but all it did was make them feel guilty and it was just another example of her controlling and selfish ways. She couldn’t have coped with the chaos, the noise or the food and then there was no-one who could return her back to the home in the evening. Sometimes I feel a sense of real frustration setting in, just which bit of ‘Care’ and ‘Home’ does she and in fact some others, not understand. The LSO and myself are no longer able to look after her because the AP needs 24/7 care and just for a change, the lack of her presence did mean that the LSO and myself actually enjoyed Christmas which was a real bonus.

But remaining on the ‘time for reflection’ theme, I really do need to make some resolutions and stick with them. First on the list is weightloss which is essential for my own health and well being so its back to the low carb with intermittent fasting which I know works for me. The next thing that needs addressing is the great clear-out of not just clothes but all the junk in my studio which has been in there for nearly three years. Just thinking of it is exhausting and that comes to the third issue. How often in the past years have I thought of all these things that need doing then sat down, played another game of Gin Rummy or Wordscape or poured another glass of wine? Often is the answer, too often in fact so the third resolution which should probably be the first is to stop prevaricating and get on with things.

Do I feel better now having got all that off my chest? Not really but at least it’s a start. Do I actually believe the idea that a new year brings hope and new beginnings? No, of course not but there is no doubt that clutter is often a reflection of a state of mind so it can’t be a bad thing to tidy up or to have hope for a better future.

An unexpected reaction.

Well, the AP is now officially a resident in the care home. The LSO and myself are hugely relieved for a variety of reasons, not least that we have our freedom back but what I now feel has come as a real surprise. She is well looked after there and seems to be quite settled which is all good.

I thought I might feel an element of guilt because I was so pleased not to have her presence in our home and also to have our space back but instead I realised that the main emotion I was experiencing was anger at having lost more than five years of our lives in such a miserable way. I actively did not want to see the AP and found this a most disturbing feeling. We are still discovering that we can do just about what we want and it struck both the LSO and myself that because we have been so trapped for so long we had actually become institutionalised. But yesterday having discussed how I was feeling with a friend who understood our situation I woke up this morning feeling much more at peace and far less antagonistic towards the AP. That has to be a positive and I am determined that the LSO and myself will make the best of the time we now have.

I have set a deadline for a new eating regime to begin on Monday; we have a friend staying until Sunday and after that I will start to attempt to lose weight in earnest. I have come to the conclusion that because no diet is really sustainable in the long run I will mix and match, starting with the 16:8. I will still do low carb but include on non fast days, a little potato or rice, potatoes because I really miss them and rice only occasionally because it definitely improves the gut function. Not a strict Keto because I will become bored with that and give up. I need to have space to enjoy meals out and to discover my love of cooking again which after the pickiness of the AP took a real battering. A return to swimming is a must as well as walking the dogs now that the stifling temperatures have reduced.

It’s a wonderful feeling to be looking forward to the future and to finally realise that we have reached the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn’t the train hurtling towards us.

A watershed.

There are few words that can describe the last six weeks. We have somehow weathered the AP’s childish attitude and tantrum that put her in hospital for sixteen days. After numerous blood tests, chest and stomach X-rays and finally a CT scan of her head there was found to be nothing wrong with her other than the fact she is a hundred and one years old and suffers from arthritis. Inevitably there has to be some degradation at her great age.

The vomiting, the inability to eat and finally the ‘EXCRUCIATING’ pain in her leg have all vanished. So what was it all about? Incredibly it would appear to be a perceived lack of attention from us and all in general that created this unstoppable hysteria. Needless to say she has done herself damage both mentally and physically but she seems to be happy enough after her first week in the home, getting lots of attention and with people around her. There have also been friends and family visiting most days which has eased the pressure on the LSO and myself. These are all plus points because the AP will be staying there, she is just too frail for us to care for her now and we need our time and space back.

We are now just starting to come down from what has been five and a half years of misery, of being utterly trapped with no personal space and no privacy. But the most interesting outcome of this whole sad business has been the knee jerk reaction from various ‘friends’. The minute the email went out saying that the AP is now in a care home having spent a couple of weeks in hospital, we had several responses from people wanting to rush over and inevitably expecting us to entertain them in our Irish B&B, they stay, we pay. Where were they all when we really needed help? When the LSO was seriously ill two years ago, did anyone offer to come and get the AP, take her with them for a short holiday to give us a rest and the LSO an opportunity to recuperate? No, of course not. They were all happy to use us as a staging post, an overnighter with full board included and apart from my cousin and his wife in Scotland there were no offers of any real help from anyone else. Now she is in a home and we don’t need help they are wanting to rush here having made little effort for years and all because she might be about to depart this mortal coil. What a sad state of affairs, at her age it could happen at any time.

Fortunately those who have made an effort over the years have given a more measured and thoughtful response. Some have commented on the need for us to find tranquility and others have emphasised the importance of making the most of our freedom and enjoying life together. There has also been the understanding that we have done so much above and beyond what was required and they are thankful we were prepared to do it. Actually sacrifice is more a word I would use since the LSO and myself have lost a large slab of years at a time when we couldn’t afford to lose them.

I probably sound to anyone reading this to be bitter and twisted but at the moment I am tired and emotional, still experiencing anxiety attacks and in need of a real rest and a break. Fortunately time is a great healer.