Please give me strength.

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How many times do we go around with a song going round and around in the brain? Have you noticed how it always gets stuck in a rut too. Mine today is John Tams singing the song that was used in Sharpe ‘Over the Hills and Faraway’ which must be an indication of how I feel about the AP at the moment

We have just one a week to go before the AP returns from her month long visit to kind relatives in Scotland and my heart feels like it is tightening. It has been a most enjoyable few weeks experiencing the pleasure of freedom. We have just returned from a lovely weekend staying with our son and his partner in their new home, chilling, chatting, watching TV and eating out. Last night I slept like a log which hasn’t happened for years.

Sitting in bed with a morning cup of tea and looking at the Thames Estuary glinting in the sunlight I experienced a sense of well being which was further enhanced when I opened my phone to find a message on Facebook from my cousin’s wife in Ayrshire. It was a small video on the ‘Power of Positivity’, quotes from the Dalai Lama and what jumped out at me was that ‘A positive future cannot emerge from the mind of anger and despair.’ Following this I read that ‘Hard times build determination and inner strength. (Do they?) Through them we can begin to understand the uselessness of anger.’ I agree with some of that but when you are ground into the ground it is hard to even think clearly let alone make an effort to have compassion. Am I angry, no not at the moment anyway. Do I feel despair? Yes I do. I need to find some semblance of empathy for the AP in order to deal with the mixed feelings I have at the thought of her return. All food for thought. The Dalai Lama is a wise man. One quote I particularly like is ‘Remember that not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck’ It actually makes me smile – let’s hope it’s true.

But in the meantime we still have some respite left and are planning how to use these few days to get the most out of them. As the great man says ‘See the positive side, the potential and make an effort”

Nine days to go.

 

What a difference a break makes.

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Well we are just about two weeks into our break from the AP and after a delightful seven days in the wilds of North Norfolk I feel much more like my old self. The trip away was a gourmet’s delight which sadly highlighted the fact that we live in a culinary desert but the coast is only an hour away so we really must make more effort to visit it.

It was a bit unnerving when the BMW’s, Range Rovers, Mercedes and the odd Porsche 4WD arrived in their droves towards the end of the week and we were surrounded by a sea of Boden, Labradors and Hunter’s wellies but we didn’t allow it to spoil our enjoyment either of the excellent and varied cuisine available or the glorious beach walks with the dogs. There was such a wonderful choice of good places to eat that I felt like a kid in a sweet shop and to just top everything off we managed to get a cancellation at a Michelin starred restaurant and celebrated a rather belated forty-seventh wedding anniversary eating the most wonderful of meals. It has made us determined to return to The Neptune at a later date to sample the tasting menu but we will definitely need to book a room for the night.

Unfortunately we had to come home a little earlier that originally planned but that was because the weather suddenly turned much colder and wetter and we were just not equipped for it, no wellies, no warm jackets. Bit of an oversight really but then the weather has been so mild for so long that winter seemed ages away. Nevertheless it was  lovely to return to our own space. It’s amazing how a break can make you appreciate what you have and being on our own there is no pressure to do anything we don’t want to do. Although the heap of ripe chillies that greeted us on our return has meant another batch of hot chilli sauce is already underway.

Such a heavenly sense of freedom. It is just so important that we make the most of this return to normality because in fifteen days time the AP will be back. Am I counting? It’s hard not to when you know that within a few days of the AP’s return we will be back on the emotional rollercoaster although this time the LSO and I will try, I hope, to get out more on our own. Well that’s the plan at the moment.

A realisation of the inevitable.

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It is sad to say that our first four days without the AP have been good. We have finally relaxed and begun to enjoy our own company and our space without the ever present shadow looming over us.

We have come to the conclusion that although we at times over react to some situations it is simply that we can never relax and just be ourselves when the AP is here. Even when up in her room we are aware of her and when she does come down we wait for what has become the inevitable dig, at mostly me but occasionally the LSO. We have also become acutely aware of her innate snobbery, her vanity, her need to be centre stage and her criticism of others which is so unnecessary and quite cruel. We all, I am sure have some of these qualities but I would like to think, no, hope that we let our better sides rule and treat others with respect and love.

There were, in the beginning some fun times with the AP; lots of laughter and trips out but about two years ago it all changed. We have pinpointed it to her sudden decision that she was gaining weight (her vanity again) and insisted on eating only tiny meals. It came out of the blue and was nonsense but nothing we said made any difference, her mind was made up. Her stupidly small meals did result in weight loss but she made herself ill in the process and seemed to mentally change. It was only the nurse at the health centre who said her dieting was unacceptable and unnecessary as she was not overweight. But I do think it was too late to reverse the damage she had done to her mental capacity never mind the inevitable loss of muscle.

Is this what happens when we grow so old? The AP was never, as far as I know so stubborn, unpleasant or so unforgiving about others. The LSO and I have wondered about this and we have come to the conclusion that her daft eating regime did contribute to a sudden personality change and a physical deterioration but also as we age the brain struggles to cope with everything, causing confusion and fear.  Because of this it uses shortcuts for expression; hence the lack of grace, the sharp voiced demand for things to be done and the centralisation of emotions. We are aware that she has hated growing older and the loss of her sight is particularly distressing and it is a sad fact that this whole situation can only get worse.

Thankfully we have some time away on the North Norfolk coast courtesy of a special friend and the dogs are coming with us. It does mean an overloaded car for a short trip which is a bit different from our bi-annual trips to Spain which involve far more pre-preparation but a lot less luggage. It will be a joy to just chill out and do a bit of revisiting of places and the discovering of new ones too. It will also be good to have a change of venue, to be away from the shadows in our own home and hopefully they will have cleared by our return.