self control – Shrinking Horizons

Wavering resolve.

Oh dear, my ability to stick to a dieting regime is severely compromised at the moment. I must stop wavering and prevaricating and get on with it. I am sure this must sound familiar to many people who like me, struggle with their weight.

Our trip to Essex was a delight and so was the meal at the restaurant but I am sure it broke all the rules of my diet. Also and much to my surprise the AP was on her best behaviour which was a surprise after the week before but then she has always managed to con this particular grandson and would not want to spoil his belief in his dear, sweet grandmother. Is he conned by her? I really don’t know but my daughter-in-law has few illusions but maybe that is because she is female and more astute. It’s a curious set-up really but one I find myself watching with interest.

Our next onslaught of visitors is this coming week and it is only one ex-colleague of the AP’s coming from Australia who actually married the AP’s boss. She is a particularly pleasant person but those high up in the world of academe have always brought the true snobbery out in the AP and this particular visitor is a Professor Emeritus.

Fortunately the LSO and I really like her and find her pleasant company so we don’t find the ‘below stairs’ activity too onerous but we will only have one lunch out to break up a day of burbling from the AP. I am still feeling a bit bruised and battered from her behaviour during our last set of visitors so have decided to cook. At least it gives me an excuse to be in the kitchen and I would like to think I will have more control over the food I consume. Did I say that? I spend most of my waking day in there, that is, when I’m not writing another blog!

Anyway I shall endeavour to stick to a low carb regime and try to resist the new potatoes grown and harvested daily by a neighbouring farmer although I feel my resolve will waver when I see them coated in a dollop of fresh butter, some sea salt and freshly ground black pepper.

The shadow is back.

I haven’t written a blog for some time mainly because life has either been good or at least acceptable but not anymore. The AP is back and with her comes continual stress.

It is astonishing how one little old lady can cast such a long shadow over our lives. Having had almost six gloriously stress-free weeks the AP has been back less than two weeks and I have rapidly rising blood pressure and a sense of utter frustration that we took on this ungrateful, selfish, arrogant and now, ultimately stupid old woman.

It is absolutely horrendous how quickly she has destroyed the equilibrium that existed in our home and in our lives. We try so hard to help, to aid, to put simply, look after this person but it is a thankless task and we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nothing we do seems to help or be truly appreciated and I am now back to being on edge and stressed. She seems to resent the fact that we deserve a life and is jealous if we go off on our own. Despite medication my blood pressure is hovering around hypertension stage two and I am fighting to remain calm and have some self control but she seems to delight in making our lives and mine in particular, an utter misery. Who is this woman? Certainly not my mother or the person I thought of as my mother

I really cannot allow this to happen and I must find some ways to counteract her nasty, selfish ways. But how?

Up until now I really have been doing well. Since starting the diet I have lost 26lbs and have gone from being Type 2 Diabetic to non-Diabetic. As the practice nurse put it, I am normal and I must keep on with what I am doing, it’s working! I was utterly thrilled to get the news and now need to get the BP down to a healthy level. Whilst the AP was away it had stabilised around 130/70 but since the return of the shadow, the bat hanging in the rafters, it has risen at an alarming and dangerous rate. The AP has no knowledge of any of this and even if she did I doubt it would dent the ego. She is incapable of accepting any responsibility for her actions and always blames others when things go wrong

It really would be ironic that if anything happened to me the first thing the LSO would do is sell up and put the AP into a Care Home. That is obviously something that hasn’t occurred to the AP.

It’s another new start.

Today is a new day and the start of a determined dieting regime. Well another attempt anyway. First off is to find a suitable book to write down everything that I eat and drink. Then it’s planning menus as much as I can given the circumstances under which we live.

It is difficult enough finding the motivation to do anything these days but to add to it feels like climbing a mountain but it must be done. I know once the weight starts to reduce I will begin to feel better and definitely more positive about life in general. We cannot change our circumstances but the LSO and myself must find a way to live our lives without feeling so unhappy and more on our terms. Control over my weight will be a massive boost to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with everything.

Despite discussing her forthcoming trip to Scotland with my cousin, then putting everything on her calendar with me, the AP yesterday had a real whinge about being away for a month and said she didn’t know that it was going to be for so long but of course she did and has chosen to apparently forget. We have the same reaction to this every year, twice a year in fact and absolutely no thought is given by the AP to us or the fact that without these breaks we would be being admitted to the nearest asylum. We have come to the conclusion that she does this quite deliberately to stir things up but now we just say it is happening and it is what it is. I feel no guilt just relief that I am finally learning to detach myself a little more each day from her cloying tentacles.

Every morning I am asked how I am which I know is supposed to solicit the same response from me to the AP but I made that mistake once before. It is all part of the manipulation and I refuse to jump on that particular bandwagon now. It is quite amazing watching from a distance and realising how much the LSO and I have been used. Sadly I think we were played from the beginning with the earlier telephone calls saying she was lonely that are now denied to the lack of proper eating and looking weak and wobbly when we arrived at her home. Even down to saying she would never come and live with us before she had even been asked. I know now she was cunning enough to sow the seeds in our minds.

Well, we are certainly paying the price for our naivety and unfortunately at a time when we should have had our freedom but we will not be pushed around mentally anymore. The AP is extremely well looked after but she will have to realise that she must back off and be thankful for what she has.