I have no idea why I feel so uncomfortable with myself. Yes, there are worries in the background but not things that should cause this sense of discomfort. I can only put it down to the fasting day and the fact I have a sore throat or could it just be a change in the weather affecting me. From feeling quite Spring-like it is once again heading towards freezing with the chance of snow looming.
The diet so far, is going well and in only nine days I have lost three and a half pounds and hopefully, tomorrow I should be lighter still. I have a long road to travel but I am finding this new 5:2 diet surprisingly easy and it has a real feel-good factor about it.
Even the AP’s continued refusal to remember she is away for a month from the 5th April is not irritating me. Nor is the ridiculous situation that arises whenever a perm is in the offing, causing me any grief. Perhaps I am just becoming more accepting of the situation and more immune to her carping. In fairness the AP has been a great deal pleasanter to have around but that could be because she is shut in her room much of the time ardently watching the snooker which fortunately for us is continuous now until she goes away.
Tomorrow is also Puppy Day when we collect little Lucie and it will be interesting to see Barney’s reaction to his new partner in crime; hopefully it will be a positive one. The puppy will be feeling a little lost to begin with but I am sure she will settle down pretty quickly.
Perhaps it’s all this change taking place that is affecting me, I have become unused to being so pro-active and busy planning things, not just doing the boring same old, same old. I have even been out and about in my car and ventured into a supermarket but that doesn’t mean I have given up on home deliveries I was merely helping out a friend who needed the pharmacy section!
But it’s all steps in the right direction.
Today is a new day and the start of a determined dieting regime. Well another attempt anyway. First off is to find a suitable book to write down everything that I eat and drink. Then it’s planning menus as much as I can given the circumstances under which we live.
It is difficult enough finding the motivation to do anything these days but to add to it feels like climbing a mountain but it must be done. I know once the weight starts to reduce I will begin to feel better and definitely more positive about life in general. We cannot change our circumstances but the LSO and myself must find a way to live our lives without feeling so unhappy and more on our terms. Control over my weight will be a massive boost to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with everything.
Despite discussing her forthcoming trip to Scotland with my cousin, then putting everything on her calendar with me, the AP yesterday had a real whinge about being away for a month and said she didn’t know that it was going to be for so long but of course she did and has chosen to apparently forget. We have the same reaction to this every year, twice a year in fact and absolutely no thought is given by the AP to us or the fact that without these breaks we would be being admitted to the nearest asylum. We have come to the conclusion that she does this quite deliberately to stir things up but now we just say it is happening and it is what it is. I feel no guilt just relief that I am finally learning to detach myself a little more each day from her cloying tentacles.
Every morning I am asked how I am which I know is supposed to solicit the same response from me to the AP but I made that mistake once before. It is all part of the manipulation and I refuse to jump on that particular bandwagon now. It is quite amazing watching from a distance and realising how much the LSO and I have been used. Sadly I think we were played from the beginning with the earlier telephone calls saying she was lonely that are now denied to the lack of proper eating and looking weak and wobbly when we arrived at her home. Even down to saying she would never come and live with us before she had even been asked. I know now she was cunning enough to sow the seeds in our minds.
Well, we are certainly paying the price for our naivety and unfortunately at a time when we should have had our freedom but we will not be pushed around mentally anymore. The AP is extremely well looked after but she will have to realise that she must back off and be thankful for what she has.