control – Shrinking Horizons

Reaching crisis point.

Well no matter how much I try to put a positive spin on the situation the LSO and myself find ourselves in it all inevitably turns around and the dreaded all encompassing cloud creeps in.

This time it is the LSO who finds the AP’s rudeness and general nastiness too much to deal with and like all these situations it is a build up of many small incidences that are ignored and then finally the end of the road comes and the abyss appears. This particular last straw was the AP taking nearly fifteen minutes to come down for her dinner last night. It completely incensed the LSO and finally after she had departed to her room he exploded. I can fully see his point of view but I have managed to become more detached to the AP’s ridiculous behaviour and if she wishes to eat on her own and a cold dinner into the bargain, that is entirely her problem. But the LSO, quite rightly says it is just plain bad manners after a great deal of effort has gone into preparing meals that she can eat. Agreed but unfortunately we are not dealing with someone who is either logical or caring. The AP is utterly selfish and only thinks of herself and just to put the lid on everything she has also become both nosy and intrusive, demanding to know things that are none of her business.

So how do we now deal with this? The AP just sails on like a galleon leaving chaos in her wake and is completely oblivious to the damage she causes.

Well deal with it we must. We are both desperately in need of having our lives back and are hugely aware of time passing. The AP has taken an important part of our time away from us but not in a good way, which was something we never realised would happen or even considered when we made our decision to have her live with us. Anyone out there who thinks they know their parents, think again. I thought I knew my mother but I don’t think any of us actually do. I realise now how much my father many years ago, protected me from her because he also knew how she drove my brother away, something I was totally unaware of at the time. My father must have been as stunned at that as I am now by her patronising manner as well as her controlling and bigoted attitudes.

I refuse to go back to the darkness and angst and misery she has caused us; somehow we will find a way through all this.

The cracks are appearing.

……and that’s not just in the ground either. We are certainly baking in a heatwave and I really do find it too hot both during the day and then also during the night. This has meant restless sleep and long days feeling tired and definitely under the weather in every sense of the word.

I haven’t written a blog for a while, not because things are any better here but because I have been experimenting with a different diet. Much as I loved the 5:2 diet it didn’t love me and after the three vertigo attacks, the continual headaches, the high BP reading and the general feeling of being unwell, I decided to take my daughter’s advice and have a proper look at the Real Meal Revolution or Banting as it is often known. That was two weeks ago and I have managed to lose a magnificent seven pounds despite one of those weeks being an observation one. It took the whole of that week for me to understand the principle of the RMR and I still have much to learn. It is a high fat/low carb/moderate protein regime and the wide range of recipes and weekly meal plans available online as well as in the books make it a pleasure to follow. Yes, I have had carb withdrawal symptoms and because I have to also cater for the LSO and the AP I cannot clear all my cupboards of the carbs I can’t eat as recommended by the RMR. Today for instance I made a quiche for the AP for lunch and the smell of the pastry cooking was almost too much to resist but resist I did and I enjoyed my salmon and cucumber roll wrapped in lettuce with a charred pepper salad.

Needless to say the AP has no idea I am doing all this and will probably only notice when I have lost a lot more weight. She would be a pain if she did know anyway because she would be constantly asking how I am doing and wanting to eat the same meals which in truth she would dislike. Her ARMD works at least in my favour for this!

I do feel much better, my BP is slowly reducing with help from one very low dosage pill a day, my glucose readings are at an acceptable level although I am still Type 2 Diabetic but at least they are stable. It certainly all bodes well for the future when hopefully I can come off all medication. Today has been the first day for many weeks when I haven’t had a headache, well, so far anyway and I feel all in all, that my health is improving.

It was the LSO’s birthday recently and the family all came to stay for a night at the weekend causing a flurry of activity at this end. It was a lovely weekend but the AP didn’t enjoy it as much as we did because on this occasion she was not the centre of attention.

She continues to try to control us and we are continuing to keep her firmly in her place but it is exhausting and both the LSO and myself are weary to the bones of having to deal with her petulance, rudeness and ‘know it all’ attitude (and that comes from a point of really knowing nothing). She is constantly making up stories, getting most things utterly wrong these days when talking to others and comes over to visitors as being a dear, sweet old lady but the AP can manage that only in the short term. There is no pretence with us. We see just a conniving, bullying and at times thoroughly unpleasant old lady. A fine example of her pretending to be so understanding and caring was when I inadvertently overheard her talking on the phone about how it is difficult for the LSO and I to get any proper holiday because of having the dogs and looking after her and also how much we do need a break. The dogs are the least of our problems! The AP was repeating my words said to her one evening when she was resisting having to go away and I pointed out to her that the LSO and I need some personal space and time together. She was almost word perfect on the telephone and yet cannot remember who was playing in the tennis an hour ago. In some ways it makes the whole situation worse. We have always rather hoped her strange and often nasty ways are a result of her extreme age and perhaps a touch of senility. But I now realise how utterly cunning and conniving she has become. Thank goodness she will be heading up to Scotland towards the end of September for a month and the break cannot come soon enough for us. It could be a long eleven weeks!

Are you sitting comfortably….

….then I’ll begin. Those of us of a certain age will remember a radio programme, in the afternoons, called Listen with Mother. It began in the very early fifties for the under fives and ran, I believe into the eighties. It was great for small children who could enjoy a magical story, a nursery rhyme and music whilst sitting with their mothers.

Well, the LSO and I seem to have slipped back in time and each day we have a session of listening to the AP relate yet another tale from the past. The only trouble is these stories are becoming mixed up with other happenings and no longer reflect the actual events at all but the AP insists her made-up version of things are right. The AP has a burning desire to be in control of us which of course is not going to happen so she becomes like a fractious child when thwarted and unfortunately having heard the stories many times we know the correct versions. It’s difficult to deal with because for one thing it doesn’t really matter if it’s all wrong most of the time. It was all in the past but we cannot sit there and say we remember these non existent events especially the ones that appear to involve us in some way so we find ourselves becoming silent as we try to think of a way of changing the subject. The other problem of course is that we are far from being children and are only too aware that our lives are slipping away in a sea of uncomfortable sameness.

Later the same evening a relative from New Zealand rang to speak primarily to the AP and we heard her saying how she walks often around the garden at a brisk pace. What nonsense. She hasn’t been near the garden for months, it has been too cold and too wet for a lot of the time and as for being brisk, well even more nonsensical but why not be honest and just say that. Sadly it’s all part of the fictitious image the AP insists on projecting.

We do understand her need to try to be ahead of the game, or rather her game but at some point some true honesty and acceptance would go a long way with just a hint of grace thrown in for good measure.

The diet is changing.

I am beginning to slowly understand the challenges in front of me. I have purchased several books now on coping with Type 2 Diabetes. All are informative and two are most useful as they give specific recipes. During this early stage of discovery I really do need guide lines. I am back to walking the dogs but slowly as the pain in my left calf is still apparent but not as cripplingly painful as before and hopefully next week I will fit in more than just one swimming session.

The AP is being good at the moment and is making an effort to be pleasant which makes life considerably easier, I have no idea where this niceness is coming from and find it slightly unnerving as I wait for the next barb to be fired.

Today we visited one of the two consultant at the hospital involved in the ‘long suffering one’s’ illness. From now on to be referred to as ‘LSO’. Although he is much, much better and improving there is still some oedema evident in his sitting bone and the Consultant wants to see him in 6 months to see if all is still good. He gets very tired and this is a direct result of having been so ill. The Colorectal Consultant is like a breath of fresh air, honest, open, direct and very thorough. It would be difficult to ask for more. We have the next appointment with the Orthopaedic Consultant on the 11th September

Looking back at the last three years has seriously been an eye opener. From having had endless choice in what to do and where to go, ‘shall we have lunch’ out today to ‘I fancy going to the game fair’ we now have no freedom to choose. The stress factors have been off the scale and the demands made on us have been continual and with little thanks. I realise now that the last three years of such stressful circumstances have taken a huge toll on my well being both in a physical and an emotional sense and this is partly and possibly wholly responsible for the state I find myself in. I must not allow things to cause me further distress and the AP must learn to fit in with us now.

At the end of all this we need to come out of all this intact as a couple, we cannot allow someone we have brought into our home, who is incredibly well looked after and cared for, to drive a wedge between us. On the occasions that the AP has tried to cause trouble between us in the past, almost a divide and rule complex, I have been more than stressed and upset and have had to say something to stop any reoccurrence. This in itself does nothing for my cortisol levels.

This situation must not define us and I must gain control of my own body.

Easy said I guess but I am trying.