Sinking in a sea of negativity.

Well Christmas has come and gone, as have the New Year celebrations and although Christmas was a cooking marathon, it was lovely with all the family here. The New Year for us is just another day and now we are faced with the inevitable tidy up. The outside lights are down as are the cards and this afternoon it is the tree in the hall to be dismantled and all the baubles packed away until next year.

There must be millions doing the same thing and reflecting on the year ahead. What will it all hold and how do I rid myself of this feeling of discomfort and unhappiness at the thought of the continuing battles with the AP. Even with the family here and subsequent visitors she still had to try and be in control, attempting to dominate our friends by going into gush and burble mode. She now gets everything confused but I have learnt to turn off to most of the things said because at the end of the day, do they matter? I no longer rise to her littles jibes but I still wake up in the morning and wonder how much longer can the LSO and myself put up with the tyranny of having her living with us.

Whilst we had visitors she would gush about the food but the minute we were back to the three of us she reverted to being utterly thankless, eating with her fingers and putting chewed food back on her plate, a particularly unpleasant practice. We have asked her not to do this but to use her cutlery and so far of late, she has been a little better. But I have come to dread mealtimes, not only preparing them, what will she not eat today but also having to witness the whole procedure.

I’ve also found it difficult to be disciplined about the diet. I am the same weight now as I was before Christmas, which is good but my mindset is not. I am pulling things together and have started my daily tracker again but need to get out with the LSO and the dogs. I need some clean air in my lungs and a clear head to keep myself on track with everything. In fact I just need to get out. I feel as if I have been housebound for weeks and the walls are closing in on me despite my attempts to divert my thoughts with activities such as my latest knitting project.

I don’t believe in new year resolutions but if I did do one it would have to be about positivity. The AP will be heading up to Scotland for the month of April but that is three months away which in reality is not long so that’s at least a more positive thought.

To blog or not to blog?

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I was looking with interest at the blogs I follow when I came across an article on why others choose to follow blogs and that they do it only to get followers on their sites.

I suppose it’s a tit-for-tat attitude, I’ll follow you if you follow me? ┬áIt did strike me as a rather odd observation because blogging is a strange phenomena. It can be a form of networking for some but it isn’t really social media like Facebook or Twitter; it’s a little like Instagram with more depth. In all cases followers are encouraged and for many they are very necessary.

The LSO has had a blog for years that began as a website and the blog reflects his interests in landscape, in particular the area we live in, his love of printmaking and his passion for angling. I am new to blog writing and for me it is a kind of diary, a means of articulating my feelings and thoughts. My following of other blogs is a reflection of my own interests in art, reading and cooking in particular and although it is rather nice to have followers it’s not an essential. On the other hand it is very comforting to feel that you are not alone and to those who choose to read what I write, thank you. I am sure that many people feel this way.

I have found from a personal point of view that the whole blog writing process has been very cathartic and it has certainly helped me step back from our problems. This has helped me to cope with the stresses and strains of looking after a 99 year old parent who lives with us and to put things back into perspective especially when the LSO was so very ill this year. It has also made me more aware of my own shortcomings and to always bear in mind that no-one is perfect, even the AP. Ok, maybe that’s me being hopeful!

Fifteen days to go to our four week break, the light on my shrinking horizon is glowing brighter. The LSO and I will be using some of the freedom sorting out a few essentials in order to hopefully improve the quality of our lives when the AP returns from her four week vacation in Bonny Scotland.