Sinking in a sea of negativity.

Well Christmas has come and gone, as have the New Year celebrations and although Christmas was a cooking marathon, it was lovely with all the family here. The New Year for us is just another day and now we are faced with the inevitable tidy up. The outside lights are down as are the cards and this afternoon it is the tree in the hall to be dismantled and all the baubles packed away until next year.

There must be millions doing the same thing and reflecting on the year ahead. What will it all hold and how do I rid myself of this feeling of discomfort and unhappiness at the thought of the continuing battles with the AP. Even with the family here and subsequent visitors she still had to try and be in control, attempting to dominate our friends by going into gush and burble mode. She now gets everything confused but I have learnt to turn off to most of the things said because at the end of the day, do they matter? I no longer rise to her littles jibes but I still wake up in the morning and wonder how much longer can the LSO and myself put up with the tyranny of having her living with us.

Whilst we had visitors she would gush about the food but the minute we were back to the three of us she reverted to being utterly thankless, eating with her fingers and putting chewed food back on her plate, a particularly unpleasant practice. We have asked her not to do this but to use her cutlery and so far of late, she has been a little better. But I have come to dread mealtimes, not only preparing them, what will she not eat today but also having to witness the whole procedure.

I’ve also found it difficult to be disciplined about the diet. I am the same weight now as I was before Christmas, which is good but my mindset is not. I am pulling things together and have started my daily tracker again but need to get out with the LSO and the dogs. I need some clean air in my lungs and a clear head to keep myself on track with everything. In fact I just need to get out. I feel as if I have been housebound for weeks and the walls are closing in on me despite my attempts to divert my thoughts with activities such as my latest knitting project.

I don’t believe in new year resolutions but if I did do one it would have to be about positivity. The AP will be heading up to Scotland for the month of April but that is three months away which in reality is not long so that’s at least a more positive thought.