Growing older isn’t easy and one of the problems that comes with it is a growing sense of unease. Having the AP living with us has helped to accentuate these feelings of uncertainty because we can never relax and truly be ourselves. I am aware of a sense of anxiety inside that threatens to engulf me but I cannot let that happen. Self confidence is being slowly sapped away and I feel frequently that I am living on an emotional razor edge about to tip over into a void.
We are enclosed in this box with this rather dotty old woman whose levels of intelligence have become eroded with old age and in turn we have had to lock away our own emotions as well as our reactions to any given situation. The LSO and I have never argued much in the last twenty years or so, maybe the odd bicker and a bit of sniping but now we cannot let anything go. We have to continually smother our reactions to happenings in our lives and that has included everything whether happy or sad because there is always this shadow looming over us. Tears are shed in private, laughter is not so frequent. There is nothing that can be done about this because it comes with the territory.
I am hoping that with the arrival of Spring these disturbing feelings will go and that they are just the result of the long, grey, wet days of this Winter.
I am still continuing with the 5:2 diet and slowly reducing in size which in itself should help to improve my feelings and hope that given time things can only get better. Sadly the situation with the AP can only get worse but that we will face as it happens.
At least we have our month of personal space looming and we can for a short time to what we want, when we want without making any excuses.
Freedom in twenty days, it can’t come soon enough.