sanity – Shrinking Horizons

When we are young there is a sense that everything is further away. After Halloween and Guy Fawkes night the next big celebration is Christmas but when you are small that seems to be ages away. When you get older time seems to fold in on itself and fly by.

Except now. Time only flies for the LSO and myself when we are enjoying ourselves and that is when the AP is away. The rest of the time we are constantly aware of this shadow in our midst.

I was dwelling as usual, on the predicament the LSO and I are in and wondering how on earth we allowed this to happen. What seemed like a good idea at the time has become a living hell for us, trapped in our own home and living with a stranger who tries to control and dominate us.

We thought we entered into this with our eyes wide open but we really hadn’t a clue what we were up against and once again it comes back to the fact that we really do not know our parents. I saw my mother as someone I could talk to, lean on when I needed or thought I needed support but where has she gone? Looking back I realise that she was probably a domineering parent when I was a teenager but I was too young to recognise it or to analyse it. After I left home any visits were short and sporadic and there was no time for such a critical attitude. She can be pleasant to be with when she makes an effort but as soon as she feels thwarted or misinterprets something that is said to her it all changes. This does not make for a comfortable existence as we never know when the tide will turn and this spoilt, demanding, childish and selfish person arrives back in our midst.

I think the worst thing about the whole situation is how she makes us feel so guilty. As if we are not allowed to have any freedom or fun on our own. If she can’t do it why should we seems to be her agenda. The fact that she has had her life and is now pushing 100 years appears to have no bearing on anything. The AP is determined to make us live at her level and sadly we have allowed this to happen. We realise now that should have laid out the parameters in the beginning.

But this must stop now.

We are trying to follow our own advice and not allow her to antagonise us or rather not rise to her baiting. Easier said than done, but so far though things are slightly better and the AP is being kept in her place. Even the LSO is making an effort and not being defensive when the AP has a dig.

Heaven knows how long it will last but we do need to keep this up. More changes are on the way and she will kick a bit but our sanity and quality of life are more important.

There is no doubt that looking after an AP is a thankless task and leaves both the LSO and myself teetering on the edge of our nerves almost permanently. You really never know when the mood will alter, one minute she is quite pleasant and then it all changes and it’s usually when she can’t have her own way then she becomes irritable and petulant.

This time it was over the lottery. The AP is a bit of a gambler on the side and is convinced that she will win the ‘biggie’ one day so we have a pretty regular flutter on both the National Lottery, the Euromillions and the Thunderball. She does appear to be pretty lucky with the Thunderball in particular, well I suppose I am really the one winning as the AP gives me her money and I do it all on my online account. I am absolutely careful to ensure that she has her own separate ticket as we do not need to be accused of cheating and she has once got close to that so I always do a line more for us on a separate ticket if we play at the same time.

So after last nights mega win of £5 I asked what she would like to do this evening and after several possibilities she decided, out of the blue, to have a scratchcard instead. The AP has never in over three years asked me to do one of these on the computer for her. Unfortunately I will not do it as all that’ll happen is that I will be moving more and more money out of the bank account to cover the losses. So I said no. There was an immediate change of attitude and the face screwed up and I was forced to explain over and over again why I am refusing her request. No just isn’t enough unfortunately but no it will remain.

These are really very trivial issues but it is astonishing how they can irritate and eat away at your emotions. No wonder we live on the edge.

Three days to go to a month of getting our emotional stability back.

Tag: sanity

Eyes wide open.

Life’s a lottery.