I realise now having reflected long and hard about my current state of being that I am in need of finding some inner calm.
Another quote sprang out at me, again author unknown. ‘Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life but the ability to cope with it’. How true those words are.
Since the confrontation with the AP and the sad death of my brother I have felt myself withdraw emotionally from everything, falling almost into a state of depression. I feel an enormous loss not just because of my brother having gone but it has highlighted once again the loss of the life the LSO and I should have been leading during the past four years. The freedom we should have had whilst we are still fit and young enough to be able to enjoy so many different things. I feel as if I have and am just existing and really not coping very well with the stresses and strains that looking after a 99 year old brings and this doesn’t even include the acquiring of a metabolic as well as an auto immune disease during this time.
I feel some relief in that although some of the confrontation with the AP a couple of weeks ago was unpleasant, we at least were able to say the things that needed saying without angst on our part.
Generally there has been an improvement in her attitude and behaviour and if that sounds like I am discussing a recalcitrant child you would not be wrong because the AP behaves like one when unable to get her own way. Unfortunately one of the problems of having someone so old living with you is the inevitability of accidents. This time it has been the leaving on of the hot tap in the bathroom and the flooding of that room causing water to pour through the lights in the living room. Water has also seeped out onto the landing and into the bedrooms on either side. The AP hates to admit to being in the wrong and even now is trying to put the blame somewhere else when only she can have done this. It’s an accident and we all know accidents happen but it could have had much worse repercussions and I am just thankful that we were here. I will not be blackmailed with how awful she feels about it, just a simple ‘sorry’ would have been enough not the silly comment that ‘there must be something evil about’.
I now need to put in a coping strategy. One which can help all of us and in particular the LSO who has a long memory for injustice.