freedom from guilt – Shrinking Horizons

I totally agree with that sentiment but do also realise that it is sometimes an impossibility because life just isn’t that straightforward. Oh that it was!

The AP is now safely delivered to my cousin and his wife in Scotland and the LSO and I are enjoying a break from the crippling routine that looking after the AP has forced upon us. We have a really busy month in front of us but can plan and do things without any restrictions and it is a most liberating feeling.

Waking up in the morning is a real pleasure and there is a lightness in the air. Sadly, it is a fact that the AP’s presence is like a constant dark shadow permeating the whole house. It really should never have been this way but our constant battle to stop her trying to rule our lives, to dominate and manipulate us is responsible for it all. Even when out with others every bit of conversation is always turned round to be about herself and I guess that like a small child or a teenager the AP has become the centre of her own universe and just wants everything and everybody to satellite around her. Unfortunately she wants to include us in her claustrophobic environment and seems unable to comprehend that we have some life to live yet. She has had a good long life and is extremely lucky to be so well looked after but why is she unable to accept all this with some grace? I doubt I will ever have the answer or a solution to the problem other than when inevitably, the AP finally departs.

But with four weeks of unbridled freedom in front of us we are determined to make the most of the time. I had almost forgotten how much I loved living here but fortunately my enjoyment has not been destroyed, just buried. I can plan my meals with pleasure and hopefully keep losing weight too without the feeling that my every move is being scrutinised.

Spring is definitely in the air in every sense of the word.

Its a week since I wrote anything in this blog diary but it’s not because I didn’t want to write but mostly that everything is so damned depressing. I really must find a way out of the feeling of doom and gloom that is shrouding the LSO and myself.

Just to put the final touches to these feelings of misery I caught a really violent tummy bug that is still attempting to linger on four days later. The up side to that, if there is one, is that I have lost some weight and the LSO became Captain Dettol!

We really cannot blame the AP although her presence is a big part of the situation but she is not to blame for where we are now, we did that all on our own. We really had no idea what we were doing when we suggested that the AP comes to live with us four years ago.

The AP had always appeared to be a thoroughly social and outgoing person but we soon found out that the reality is exactly the opposite. She is highly critical of others and at times quite malicious about our friends basing everything on what she sees as a slight against herself. My god, who is this person I am writing about, I am shocked and horrified to say it is my mother, heaven forbid that my own children would feel this way about me or the LSO.

She has a better social life than us but that wouldn’t be difficult because, at the moment we don’t have one. The highlight of last week was trip to the bottle bank! Unless we instigate outings with the AP or arrange for her to go anywhere she will do nothing to help herself, just sit in her room watching television or staring into space or nodding off in the chair. That’s all ok and to be expected at 99 years of age but the downside is her attitude and general demeanour when spending time with us. The AP becomes bored and wants entertaining, like a child really. She gets everything mixed up now and is forgetful but is equally insistent that her absolutely wrong statements are true, refusing to accept the correct versions of events even when they are about us and not her. Her own mixed up memories of her life are no problem but it becomes more difficult when she makes incorrect statements to visitors and family about us and others. It’s all very sad really but in the meantime our lives are slipping by in this fog of extremely slow moving boredom.

It’s easy to think that we should snap out of this but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Before her arrival here we never stopped, we went out and explored, socialised, laughed a lot, the LSO did his printmaking, fishing and enjoyed his gardening. I painted in my studio, even selling the odd one, enjoyed my experimental cooking, the joy of living here and of course my bread making and now? Well it’s all too much of an effort.

We are trying so hard not to be resentful but I think we should put our energies into being more determined to change our situation and start going out more. There is a whiff of wallowing that can become habitual and we do need to stop that in its tracks. We have contacted the Careline that supplies the personal alarm and key safe but as yet no-one has come back to us. That should at least give us some peace of mind when (not if) we go out. We must also ignore the inevitable guilt trip the AP will put us on the minute we do it.

Well here’s to at least some guilt free freedom at the end of the rainbow that would be more welcome than a pot of gold.

Tag: freedom from guilt

Live for the moment.

Finding some freedom.