I think I could be in need of a padded cell or at the very least a padded wall to bang my head against. Last night the LSO finally had had enough of the deliberate provocation being displayed by the AP and told her that if she didn’t like or want to live here that it was time she went into a care home. He told her she was making our lives a misery and making me ill and that he had finally had enough of her and the whole situation. He even told her what was wrong too. I am cutting a long story short but it really was such a trivial matter that created the problem in the first place and it doesn’t warrant a discussion. But what does is the AP’s unbelievable reaction this morning.
She is absolutely fine she announced when I took her breakfast in and everything that had been said had obviously been conveniently forgotten or swept under the carpet, that is if she even understood a word of what was said last night. The AP isn’t suffering from dementia, although her short term memory is shot to pieces but she is very cunning and manipulative. Her powers of comprehension are definitely waning too except when it comes to money and whether she has won anything on the lottery.
Lunch was a quiet affair with a smattering of talk about the snooker final she will watch this afternoon and nothing was said about her leaving/staying/attitude etc. She obviously has no intention of going anywhere and we have to hope that she understands the thin ice she is standing on although somehow I doubt it. I have little to say to her, she clearly has no concerns about me and is locked in her own small selfish world. Sad really because for me I no longer have any deep feelings for her and certainly there will be no fond memories when she finally departs. I don’t even want to be in the same room with her and am beginning to fight an active dislike of this self centred person who was once my mother.
All this because we thought we were doing the right thing nearly five years ago. Five years of our lives on hold at a time when we should be free spirits and enjoying the twilight years. How utterly naive and stupid we were.
There is no tangible reason to feel this way but for the last couple of days I have had this awful sinking feeling. The sun has been shining, everything is blooming in the countryside around us and generally life could be and has been much worse. I don’t feel like this all the time, it just suddenly occurs and I am aware that I feel rather down and a little depressed. I try not to analyse it because I don’t want to make up reasons or even try to pinpoint anything that may have happened or have been said to create this feeling. I know that would only make it worse and possibly fabricate a situation that wasn’t there in the first place. The AP is back in residence and although she is being fairly amenable there are undercurrents just simmering under the surface and I know that it wouldn’t take too much for them to break out.
Part of my feelings could be due to the relentless out-pouring of money at the moment with not enough coming in to fill the vacuum. Having just paid out a great deal of money to put in the boiler house and the new boiler system we have now had to bring in a team of gardeners to sort out the front garden and it is costing rather more than we had originally thought. That always seems to be the case with most things today, think of a sum and double it should be the maxim. But the garden is out of control and the LSO can no longer deal with it so we need to get it back in check and then go on a maintenance regime. This means that the projected hall, stairway and landing decorating has had to be put on hold until the Autumn which is possibly a good thing.
In the midst of all this I have come to the conclusion that like the garden, I too need a maintenance regime both mentally and physically. A lot of pampering would help, a restful holiday in the Maldives would be good, as well as a thorough make over and of course, a lottery win to pay for it all. Whilst drinking my morning cup of tea today I was mulling over everything and found myself thinking how convenient it would be if a team could suction away all the excess fat I’ve acquired just like the gardeners are removing the weeds, then the skin could be renovated and smoothed over just like the soil that is appearing in the border. It probably is possible but no doubt at a great cost and of course, time.
Time, well that is another issue.