Is there hope on the horizon?

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I woke up this morning feeling extremely under par. Nothing I could put my finger on, just a general feeling of not being right.

I can probably nail it all down to a really restless night, worry about my brother, guilt that I am unable to ease in any way the unbearable burden his children are having to shoulder, guilt that I really wish I wasn’t looking after the AP. Concern about my own health as well as my seeming inability to lose any weight (I did lose half a pound last week) and just to top it all off, worry that the whole situation is getting the LSO down. He really doesn’t need that as he is still recovering from being so very ill earlier this year.

Nearly forgot, the problem that actually brought all these feelings to the surface, for two days now we have had no heating and no hot water due to a boiler malfunction. This will be put right by this evening but we had a flush of the central heating system booked in for today and that cannot be done now as hot water is needed. That is now booked in for next Tuesday but I felt a great rush of frustration that was totally silly but is all part of the huge emotional trap that being a carer entails.┬áThe situation does not improve with time; most days I can ignore the feelings and by compartmentalising keep my sanity but I guess when the resistance drops it’s a bit like a breach in a sea wall and the waves of emotion rush in to drown me.

Is there any help out there? We have a lady whose professional title is a Care Navigator, coming to see the AP and presumably us too on Monday afternoon with, I hope, some suggestions to help break this immense feeling of being trapped and unable to sort our own lives out. Hopefully she will encourage the AP to get out and about but without us, perhaps even suggest respite care but I’m not holding my breath. The AP won’t think any of it is necessary.

Another Day

I wake up to wonder what this day will be but I guess it will just be like all the others. No, not a sign of depression just acceptance that things are what they are. It is a sadness that there seems to be little thanks or understanding from this person my husband and I look after. So much that was a sharp, clever and funny lady has gone to be replaced by someone interested mostly in themselves and only concerned about how they are perceived by others.

I am not someone who thinks like that but now realise that my mother has probably always been that way. Our visits to her over the years were short ones and although she would spend four weeks at a time staying with us, several times a year, we never saw this vanity.

But, a light on the horizon and this time the train is not hurtling towards us. A relative has said that my mother can spend a month with them in October and a friend has offered us the use of their coastal holiday home and we can take our dogs with us.

This will be a much needed break. We have both had the great fortune to be fit and well throughout our lives but 3 months ago my husband ended up in hospital and was very ill for some months. This is not something you consider happening when you decide to take on an elderly relative and it did create a huge amount of stress and emotional trauma for us both.